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Full tutorial on getting your ex back
In the video above, you will learn the seven tactics that exes employ when they desire a reconciliation. It is important to note that engaging in any of these behaviors does not necessarily indicate a desire to get back together.
However, if your ex exhibits multiple signs or consistently engages in these actions, there is a strong possibility that they want to reconcile or, at the very least, are open to the idea.
While some of these tactics are common and occur in most breakups, others are more uncommon. One particular tactic, number six, is often overlooked but can be exceptionally cruel.
Video Transcript:
In this video, I’m going to share with you seven games that exes play when they want you back. I’m Brad Browning, a relationship and breakup coach, and author of The X Factor. Please take a second to subscribe to my channel and click the like button before we get into it. Now, just because your ex is doing one of these things that I’m going to talk about here in this video doesn’t always mean that they want you back. But if you notice that they’re displaying more than one of these signs or doing these things repeatedly, then there’s a good chance that they do want you back, or at the very least, there’s an opening.
Some of these games are very common and happen in almost all breakups, and some of them are a little more rare. In fact, number six is one that people don’t talk about a lot, but it happens to plenty of my coaching clients, and it’s really cruel. So let’s get into it, and we’ll start with the first game that you might notice your ex playing if they want you back, and that’s one that’s probably familiar to a lot of you, at least based on the comments that I get on my videos and from my clients, and that is your ex offering friendship. Now, if this happens during the breakup itself, then it’s not necessarily a game. They might just be trying to make you feel better.
But when it happens a few weeks after the breakup, it means that they are most likely playing a game. A lot of the times, your ex will do this because they feel you slipping away, and a part of them doesn’t want that. But because they don’t know if they want you back or they’re afraid to ask you, they’ll keep that connection to you through friendship. Now, this is really because breakups don’t happen all at once, despite how they might appear. You know, I’m sure there was probably a moment when you or your ex decided, “Enough is enough, let’s end this relationship.
But there’s a long period of time before and after when things are still up in the air. So in other words, your ex didn’t just wake up and decide to break up with you. They thought about it for weeks, months, sometimes even years before finally making that decision. So they’re afraid to reverse all that now because they miss you right now. Essentially, they’re just confused.
It takes some time for them to start longing for you and doubting their decision to break up. And this period of time needs to happen before your ex is actually really going to trust that they do want you back after all. For some people, it’s quicker than others. Some people can’t even handle a few days alone after the breakup. But most of the time, it takes longer than that, a few weeks.
So often, what your ex will do is pitch a friendship because they don’t want you to get too far away. Because despite what they say, they’re still interested in being with you. They don’t want you to leave them. And so friendship is a great way of keeping an eye on you, keeping you close enough that they could get you back if they wanted to. Basically, they’re making sure that you don’t stray so far that they can’t get you back.
Now, if you’ve seen any of my other videos, you know that this is a time when your ex is going to be feeling a lot of emotions. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll link a video in the description below that talks about all of your ex’s feelings. Basically, this is when your ex starts to experience a huge sense of loss now that you’re gone. The breakup is starting to sink in, and they realize that you could actually move on. They thought that they could get you back whenever they wanted, and they may not think that consciously, but if they were the one who ended the relationship, that means that you still want them.
So in their mind, all they have to do is ask nicely, and you’ll come running. And now they’re starting to question this because time is ticking away. So if they show up saying, “Let’s be friends. We had such a great connection that it would be a shame to lose it just because we’re not together,” or maybe they’ll say something like, “Let’s just hang out as friends,” and if they say that kind of thing, then you know what’s going through their mind. They’re worried about losing you.
Now, this is tricky, of course, when you’re on the receiving end of this. First off, you definitely don’t want to accept this offer. If you’ve seen any of my other videos, you know that being friends with your ex is a bad idea if you want them back, or really in almost any situation. It’s a bad idea, and if you want to know why, I’ll link another video on that topic in the description below. But at the same time, you also don’t want to just say no, “I will accept nothing other than a real relationship,” even though that’s essentially the idea that you want them to get.
If you just straight up say this, and they have any sort of avoidance or stubbornness in their personality, which most of us do, it’s going to make them hesitate to reach out to you in the future, and that can hurt your chances to rebuild a connection with them. So how can you essentially split the difference here? Basically, you just want to dodge this question. Never agree to be just their friend. Make a joke, deflect, do what you have to do to change the conversation.
If they say, “Come hang out with me as a friend,” or even worse, “Come hang out with me and my friends as a group,” simply don’t go. Just be busy for that particular hangout. Basically, you never want to act like you’re just their friend because you don’t want them to see you as just their friend. So continue being flirty, treat them the way you would if you were interested in them, but stop short of anything that would inflate their ego. In other words, don’t compliment them and don’t tell them how miserable you are without them.
Just be confident and be in control. You want them to know that you’re interested, but you’re not invested. You could get up and walk away at any moment, and they’ll be left alone. Now, I know it’s not always this easy to just be confident when you’re faced with the very person who broke your heart. And I do get into this a lot more in my tutorial video at breakupbrad.com.
In that video, I talk about how to create a winning mindset while you win back your ex and many other important psychological strategies. You can watch that full video presentation at breakupbrad.com right now if you want to check that out. Now, let’s move on to the next game that your ex will play if they’re interested in getting back together with you.
And that involves them getting mad at you. Basically, they’re going to be mad at you because you haven’t contacted them. Now, I hear this one all the time. It can be super frustrating. They dump you, and now you’re the jerk because you haven’t kept in touch.
Now, this isn’t going to happen to most of you watching. Most people understand that your silence is mature and a natural response when somebody says they don’t want you in their life anymore. And you say, “Okay,” and you leave them alone. Well, that’s obviously the right choice. They say you’re not welcome, and so you leave them alone.
It’s also a very attractive response, which is why your ex is so confused and upset by it. They don’t want to be attracted to the person that they just dumped. So now they’re thinking, “Why aren’t they coming around begging me for attention? Am I not valuable? Am I not worth fighting for?
They’re simply not understanding that you’re simply respecting their wishes. Sure, they’d probably get it if they thought about it for two seconds, but this is a confusing time for them, and they’re just not thinking logically. So now this confusion and their wounded pride turns to anger, and they direct it at you because they don’t really know what else to do. Maybe they’ve brought it up to their friends or their family, and they said, “You’re crazy.” So now they’re left with only one option: call you and take it up with you and sort of basically take you to task for your very reasonable behavior.
But the good news is that the reason they’re so confused and upset is because they still care about you. And that means that they do still want you back, at least on some level. So what should you do here? Well, basically, you don’t want to engage with their anger. So don’t say, “Hey, you’re the one who dumped me.
What do you want me to do? Beg for scraps?” Even though that might be warranted, it’s just going to lead to a big fight. And you also definitely don’t want to apologize to them for not reaching out, because this is just going to feed their ego and honestly make you look a little bit pathetic. So again, with this one, you really just want to sidestep the issue.
So you’re simply going to say something like, “Oh, I’ve been really busy. Lots going on over here. Is everything good with you?” Just something like that. Just be casual, a little bit flippant.
They might be coming in hot, and you want to let them know that, at least to you, it’s not that big of a deal, because honestly, it really isn’t. And then just say something like, “Hope you’re doing well,” and then let the conversation fade. Don’t try to carry it. Don’t ask questions about how they’re doing. Don’t ask about what’s going on with work or with their pet or anything like that.
Just let the conversation die. And it’s also okay to simply say, “Great talking to you. Let’s catch up later. I’ve got to get going.” Something like that.
You’re showing them really that they can’t affect you anymore. You’re your own person, and they’re no longer a part of your life, which was their choice. The third game that your ex might play if he or she is interested in getting back together is what I call jealousy baiting. Basically, they want you to see them with somebody else and get upset, and then reach out or react in some kind of way. So maybe they post pictures online, they’re out to dinner with the opposite sex, they’re in a group of people, and maybe they’ve got their hand on somebody’s shoulder.
But really, what they’re doing is using you for an ego boost. They want you to get angry at them for moving on or beg for another chance, or just message them all concerned. They want you to validate them and make them feel sexy. Essentially, when you dump somebody, along with all the bad feelings this brings up, it does make you feel a little more desirable compared to the person that you dumped. Essentially, you think, at least consciously, that you must be in demand if you’re rejecting somebody else.
But if that person then uses no contact on you and they’re not chasing or begging and trying to get you back, that kind of throws a wrench into your assumptions. You think, maybe I’m not as attractive as I thought. So essentially, your ex wants you to start chasing them so that they can use you to build up their ego a bit. And obviously, since a part of them still wants you back, this also lets them know that you’re still interested in them and that they could have you back anytime they wanted. They want to really feel in control of the situation.
And if you want them back, you want them to feel out of control, like they’re losing you or on the verge of losing you. So really, your answer here is pretty simple. Don’t respond at all. Don’t comment on the picture they posted. Don’t mention it to their friends.
And if their friends mention it to you, don’t ask any questions or show them that it bothers you. They might come up to you and say, “Oh, your ex wasn’t there that night. She was on a date with X or something like that.” And really, they’re just trying to get a reaction here so that they can see how you’re feeling. Or maybe, and this is unlikely, they really do care about you and they’re trying to give you this information so that you move on from your ex.
Or maybe they want to date you, so they’re sabotaging your relationship with your ex. It’s hard to know, but in this situation, I would either change the subject or respond casually with something like, “Oh, that’s great,” and then just move on. But don’t give them any ammunition and try to get away from that person because that’s someone you should be suspicious of. Why would they say something like that? They have a motive, and often your ex is the one pulling the strings.
Mutual friends can’t be trusted not to tell your ex exactly what you said when they bring up the subject. Honestly, if I had a dime for every time I told a client, “Just don’t talk to these people about the breakup or the relationship. Don’t tell them you want the person back. Don’t tell them you’re struggling,” and then my client goes ahead and does it anyway and is shocked when it blows up in their face, it’s not even really this friend’s fault. They may think that the information isn’t a big deal to your ex, or maybe they think that if they let your ex know that you still care, that this will somehow get you two back together and they’ll look like a hero.
Or maybe they just like to stir up drama, or maybe they’re actually better friends with your ex and you don’t know it. There’s a lot of variables, so talk to a counselor, a family member, or a friend who doesn’t know your ex, but be careful anytime you’re talking to mutual friends. Now, game number four that your ex can play if they want you back is the check-in, the “Are you okay?” message. Oftentimes, your ex will reach out just to check in, and you think to yourself, “That’s really nice of them.
They care about me. Maybe they want me back.” And this is likely part of the story, but there’s usually more to it than that. As I said earlier, from the perspective of the dumpy, you’re supposed to validate them. You should be begging and pleading and trying to get them back, and you’re probably not doing that.
So it’s almost like poking you with a stick. They want you to do something. And in this situation, you definitely don’t want to give them what they want. So again, it’s important to be really casual. Don’t say that you’re just doing so awesome that it’s the best you’ve ever felt in your whole life, because obviously that’s going to seem fake.
Just say, “I’m doing great. I’ve had a busy few weeks. Hope you’re doing well.” Again, casual and polite and simple. You don’t want to carry the conversation.
And if they do, you may need to respond. But there’s no need to carry it. You want to just let it fade away. Don’t chase them. Don’t be manipulated.
Remember, you don’t owe them anything here. They’re playing a game. They’re trying to get you to start the conversation back up and really participate and show them how attractive they are and that you’re still interested. So don’t take the bait. Don’t do it.
Just stay casual and disengaged, and you’re going to be just fine. And the fifth game that your ex can play if they want you back is about their stuff. Basically, when you have your ex’s stuff or they have yours after the breakup, this is like a little tether keeping you two tied together. So ideally, you want to cut this tether as soon as possible after the breakup, because if not, they can use it to manipulate you. So they’ll tell you that they want you to come and get their stuff or they want you to come get your stuff, but then maybe it doesn’t happen or they cancel.
And then they mention it again a few weeks later, and they still bail. And sometimes the reason for that can be that your ex wants to have a Trojan horse with you. They want to have an excuse to talk to you and interact with you without risking any big feelings or arguments. It’s the final piece of the relationship, and they kind of want to hold on to a little bit. That’s usually a good sign if you want your ex back.
And I suggest that just like with other things, you don’t make a big deal about it. So you don’t say, “Why are you not coming and getting your stuff?” And don’t get angry if they cancel. Don’t make a big deal about it. And if they do come and get their stuff, just be casual.
Say, “Hey, good to see you. Here’s your stuff. Hope you’re doing well. Got to get going.” And if they want to have a bigger conversation, don’t kick them out.
But essentially, show them that you just don’t have time for this. Don’t sit down and offer them a drink or anything. Be polite, be casual. No big deal. Remember that you’re showing them that you’re just fine.
They’re not affecting you, and you’re just living your life and moving on. Maybe you already have. And this is a great opportunity to show your strength. And finally, another game they might play is in a similar vein. They may give you back the gift that you gave them during the relationship.
Of course, there’s a few ways to look at this, and your ex is counting on this. It’ll make you think, “Oh, they don’t care about me at all. They don’t even care about the gifts that I put all this thought into. That hurts.” Or it could be looked like, “They miss me so much that they can’t even have these things around them, or they’re going to be thinking about me all the time, and it’s too painful.
And really, the game your ex is playing here is to confuse you, to throw you off balance. They don’t want you to know their true feelings, but they want you to think about them and pine for them. And this kind of manipulation will keep you thinking about them for weeks. So if they ask you about giving the gifts back, just tell them not to worry about it. They should keep them, or donate them if they don’t want them.
And if they insist, then let them drop them off and just never bring it up again. You can throw them out or sell them or keep them or whatever. Again, as long as they can see that it hasn’t bothered you, then you’ve come out ahead. They’ve put themselves out there, and you haven’t responded the way they wanted you to. So essentially, you’ve played the game and you’ve won.
And the final game here that I want to touch on in this video is something that 99% of you are going to experience during this breakup process, and that is the hot and cold treatment. I mean, maybe you’ve already noticed this already from your ex. Maybe your ex will text you one day all excited, and you’ll talk for hours, and you think, “Hey, this is it. We’re finally going to get back together.” And then the next day, nothing.
Or maybe they reach out and they leave you on read or text you with one-word answers. Honestly, this kind of hot and cold mixed message stuff can be maddening. What’s actually happening here is not always clear. Chances are, the first conversation is your ex just trying to gauge your interest. They just want to see that you’re still willing to take them back.
At this point, if you’ll engage with them fully, if you’ll match their energy. But now they’re going to pull away because they’ve got that validation that they were looking for. They know that if they want you, they can have you. And so they can just hang back and keep living the single life for a little bit longer. It’s quite cruel.
But the thing is, a lot of the time, they might actually just be confused. They might get all caught up in talking to you on that first day, and then after a good night’s sleep, get worried that they’ve started down a path that they’re not ready to take. So then they pull away. They act aloof until eventually they get sad and they start to miss you. And so they reach out once again.
And really, this can be said for most of these games that your ex is playing. They’re just never sure if they want you back or if they just want your attention and love. Or they know that they want you, but they’re too proud or they’re too scared that you might actually say no. The truth is that they’re just as confused as you are. So really, at the end of the day, you just need to stay strong, be confident, and don’t let them suck you into their games.
Maintain a full month or so of no contact, and then you can begin actually reattaching your ex on your terms without games or manipulation. And if you need to know how to do that, again, go to breakupbrad.com right now and check out the free video presentation that I’ve got up there on my website for a lot more tips and information. So now that you know whether or not your ex is playing games, it’s going to be a little bit easier for you to actually manage the situation.
